Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

I titled this post with the quote from John Lennon, "Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans" because I felt it fit perfectly with the events of the past few weeks. And because Jacie is the most avid Beatles aficionado I hear Beatles quotes on a regular basis.

Let me update you on Jordan. She was busy making other plans and then life happened. She was enrolled up at the University of Utah and was two weeks in. She was taking a heavy load with classes I would have (and did) avoid like the plague. Calculus, Chemistry, Chemistry Lab, Civil Engineering and a general ed class called LEAP.  She jumped in and started on her way.

Anyone who has been to college knows that the first semester is quite a change from life as one knew it. New school, new classes, new people - which are all great things. But throw in nerves from hoping to keep up, keeping your scholarships, deciding if you really want to be an engineer all while trying to maintain a social life sneak up.

As a previous sufferer of anxiety I am sick that it didn't hit me that Jordan was heading down this path. She was carrying on fairly normally, but having lots of worries and fears. But hey, that's normal for your first two weeks of college right? I had the same experience at the MTC. Even an occasional panic attack is normal, right? Same with me at the MTC. Not being able to eat and sleep is normal, right? Well, then I started to feel a little anxious for her myself. It seemed like things had become too big. We decided to drop her Calculus class and get her into Sociology 1010. I thought that would ease her worries and she could turn it around. Alas, it didn't help one bit.

This poor little thing started into panic mode on Labor Day, which should have been a relaxing and peaceful day off, and battled an anxiety attack deep into the night. I sent her off to school on Tuesday (yesterday) with a pit in my own stomach hoping with all my heart that her new schedule would ease her concerns. When she walked in the door Tuesday afternoon the sight before me literally broke my heart. She was pale, shaking, short of breath, racing heart, and looked like a deer in the headlights. Look up symptoms of a panic attack and she had the majority of them. I was so worried and sad for her. She was the most pathetic little thing you ever saw. I called Instacare (I had been on the phone earlier in the day and our family doctor can't even see her for two weeks) to see if they could deal with panic attacks. They said yes and said to come in right then because the wait wasn't very long. We got her in and they gave her a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. We went straight to the pharmacy to fill it and then she said she didn't want to go home because that made her feel the panic rising up as she thought about all the schoolwork waiting for her. It was then I called Don and we determined she needed to withdraw this semester. I talked to her about it and you can't even believe the relief I saw wash over her. We got her medication in her and talked and prayed about withdrawing. She finally could eat a little something and go to sleep.

This morning she came in and snuggled up by me (which my mother heart just needed, to put my arms around her and keep her safe in my little nest) and was worrying about "quitting." I told her that this is no different than someone with mono or pneumonia. It was physically impossible for her to deal with school at this time. It became more apparent to her that her decision was right when we went up to the U this morning to withdraw her and get the necessary paperwork started to hopefully defer her scholarships. She got that same look of absolute fear on her face and went white as a sheet. I can't even imagine how she could get through classes having that feeling.

I don't know if we can get her scholarships deferred, but at this point, her health and well being became my main priority. I really don't care if she can't. We've been saving for college since she was born so for her to earn scholarships was icing on the cake. I'm hoping they will be because she worked so dang hard for them, but again the world won't end.

What I learned from my own struggles with this invisible monster called anxiety is that you gain a great deal of empathy for people fighting this struggle. We have some dear friends whose son had to come home from his mission fighting it. My heart ached for him because I know first hand how disappointing that is and how hard it is. My heart broke in tiny pieces when Jordan entered the same battle. But I could offer heartfelt sympathy and empathy.

I also learned and she has already seen this is you will find more love and support from your family and friends than you can imagine. You will see how blessed you are to have the people in your life who will take you by the hand and help you through. I have been touched by Jacie's love and concern for Jordan. She has bought her treats, prayed for her, and sent her all kinds of inspiring texts and quotes. Don and I have talked and prayed to know how to help her. Her grandparents and aunts, uncles, and cousins have included her in their prayers. Her friends have remained true and supportive.

The most important lesson that I knew but was driven home to me during my own struggles and watching Jordan go through this was just how much our Heavenly Father and Savior love us. Our Savior probably experienced anxiety during the Atonement that we can't even fathom. He knows how painful, debilitating, and heart wrenching it is and he will support us. I also appreciated our Heavenly Father's love because he sent His Son to take upon Himself all of our pains and struggles. Our Father even had to withdraw his presence. I can't imagine. The last thing in the world I wanted to do was leave Jordan alone and yet our Father loved us all so much he did just that to make the Atonement complete.

So while Jordan was making other plans, life threw her a roadblock. But I have faith and trust in our Heavenly Father that, "all these things shall give thee experience and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)  I have every confidence that she will come through this wiser and better than before. So while this is a very disappointing turn of events for our family, Jordan has never disappointed me.